I want to start this post by saying that I am not immune. Our culture has affected me as much as the next person. In fact, my big focus these days is UNlearning some of the less-than-helpful, selfish, arrogant habits I’ve picked up over the years. But I was fortunate. I had two huge blessings in life. First, two of the kindest, most humble, most selfless parents in the world showed me what real compassion is, what true intimacy in marriage looks like, and whose lives were and are a wonderful model of the value of interdependence. Second, I got some seriously hard knocks that kicked me around enough that I had a better-than-average chance at understanding that it really isn’t about me, that it is my imperfections that make me “perfect” (if there is such a thing), and that faster, more, and bigger have nothing on slower, less and smaller.

Self-Absorption: iEverything

Seems to me, the really huge change that has distorted what we Americans think of and expect from intimacy in marriage is the mushrooming pandemic of the culture of “I.” In the new book, “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement,” Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell give us a compelling chronicle of just how fast and dangerous this problem is.

I grew up watching two people, as different as two people could be, love each other the way we all could, if all just gave the best we could (not perfectly, but with all our hearts and energy) to cherishing our spouses. It wasn’t that they didn’t fight, they did . . . sometimes publicly. I remember when I was a teenager and knew everything thinking that they would be better off if they’d just get a divorce. And then, there was me in college . . . sorry, Mom and Dad!

A few years ago, they had their 50th Wedding Anniversary. I had to give a speech. My parents, I said, had spoiled me. They had shown me, in their very imperfection, what perfect intimacy was all about. It was about “each esteeming the other above themselves.” I said it hadn’t been until recently (read: my own failed second marriage) that I’d realized that I’d gone along thinking that was what everyone did.

I’d been watching them, I said, and every single morning, they got up and were consumed and passionate about one thing: trying to find out what each could do to make the other happy. From picking up a piece of old sheet music at an antiques store for my Daddy, even though the stacks of them at home make Mama crazy to nagging my Mama about ensuring a restaurant she really wants to go to is open, even though the nagging makes her nuts, every day, all day, they are trying to find out what each can do to make the other happy.

And, I said, you’d think, after fifty years, they’d have got it right, but this is the miracle, they haven’t. The miracle is the imperfection in each of them and the fact that they still get up every day, consumed with the passion to find out. It is STILL, after fifty years, the single most important thing to each of them. And that’s when I fell out, blubbering in front of all those people, because it’s what I couldn’t manage to find in the second marriage I had placed so much hope in.

It’s not very complicated, really. And that, my friends, is what makes intimacy in marriage. And it’s a big part of what we, as a culture, have lost.

Sharing and Community

Another thing life gave me that helped me a lot was that I was raised as the oldest of seven kids. Oh, and did I mention the 180 foster children that came and went as I grew up (not all of them, by the way, while I was at home . . . my parents still care for babies! They are currently caring for their 180th foster child!

If you asked a shrink these days, they’d probably say that it was a TERRIBLE thing (tsk, tsk) that I had so much responsibility as an oldest kid, but I see it as a blessing (which is what most of those awful things the shrinks tsk about really are, if you allow them to be). Here’s the blessing: I HAD to learn to share.

With the expectations in our iEverything culture, fewer and fewer people know how to do that, and the lack of it kills marriages and families, communities, and yes, even nations.

My folks live in a small Southern town and in spite of my best intentions and practicing to SLOW DOWN and realize that I don’t have to do everything perfectly, all at once, and all the time, I’m always astonished at just how sped up I still am. But it’s wonderful there. First, EVERYONE knows my folks, and they all seem to have such a lovely ability to see and speak to you. EVERYONE talks to you down there. For a LONG time. The clerk at Wal Mart (the center of social culture in town), the folks at every business or shop you visit. They SEE you. They SMILE at you. They are KIND to you. I’m sure it’s not universally perfect, but it sure is a welcome change.

We really do need each other and if we slow down a little, and look at each other (and for the best in each other — usually there is if we just slow down long enough to see it . . . and by the way, even if we can’t see it, we can treat one another as if it’s still there, hiding!), and be willing to give each other a little something — a smile, a listen, sometimes even just a look — our families and communities would be a whole lot happier. We might have more support for one another when marriages are struggling too.

Interdependence: Lost in the Shuffle.

Which brings me to my final point. Our American culture has so glorified INdependence and vilified DEpendence that we’ve lost touch with INTERdependence, which is the only way marriages, or families, or communities, and yes, even nations, can survive.

The truth is, in healthy relationships, sometimes one or the other IS dependent, in illness, or hardship, or family crisis. It’s also true that each person in a marriage needs some amount of independence to stay true to who and what they are. But what really counts is to value the intersection of the two that makes up interdependence. Each person trading off where needed, as often as possible, because he or she is, above all, concerned about the well being of the other.

To have INTERdependence, you have to be able to do all the other things I’ve talked about here — thinking of others before yourself, sharing, recognizing that slower really is better than faster, smaller is usually better than bigger, and less is almost always so much more gratifying than more. Try it for a few days. You might be surprised.

Not long ago my family and I took a mini-vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. West Tennessee and Eastern North Carolina have been my favorite place since I went to college near Chattanooga, Tennessee in the late 70s. I hadn’t been back to Gatlinburg since then. I recalled a charming little town, littered with shops featuring the work of primitive Appalachian artists and a skyride that gave an incredible view of the beautiful Smoky Mountains.

In addition to the shock of exactly how many years had passed since I’d last been there was the shock of what had happened to what had been a place of almost pure natural beauty and charm. Here’s what happened to Gatlinburg - Big Yellow Taxi from 1970. (Yes, Virginia, we really DID dress like that back then — granny dresses, long unmanaged hair, and NO MAKEUP!).

We walked up one side of the main drag, turned around, walked back, and left, found our car and drove a little ways to the local tree museum, the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. On the way out we talked about how awful it was that the place had turned into something like a condensed version of every bad carney park and boardwalk in the country. I’d talked to a local who’d agreed that it was terrible, but said that the business had been great for the economy. I was furious with the folks running the town.

We drove into the narrow dirt lane that led through the tree museum. A gorgeous river was on the left, in some places rocky and full of falls, in others, wider and calm and made for swimming. We passed a father and three or four kids, all of them decked out in swimming gear. I could hear all of them laughing. Before long, they were all in the river, splashing each other, interacting — father and children fully engaged in enjoying the river and each other.

I thought about how mad I’d been at “those people” who’d destroyed the Gatlinburg I remembered and about the money all that entertainment had brought the town. It occurred to me that the money flowed into the town because it was exactly what most people in our American culture wanted. And I thought about all the families I’d seen trudging up the main street, pushing stollers, buying tickets, sitting on the local shuttle bus. Very few of them were looking at each other, or talking to each other. Most of them seemed to be waiting for the next stop so they could go on to the next thing that would hand them a new experience, however false it might be. I thought about all those rides and shows. Even the ones that had seats for more than one person involved external stimulation that didn’t allow for much in the way of engaging with the person next to you. Mostly, they went too fast, were too loud, or moved too erratically to allow the rider to do more than hold on tight and wait for the next ride.

It’s true like that almost everywhere in our culture. We’ve forgotten how to engage with each other. How to listen. How to laugh and have fun because of the sheer joy of being with family or friends or loved ones. Engaged attention, the bedrock of intimacy, requires pausing and listening and fully attending to the other person. It’s so hard to do that anymore.

We’ve gotten so far from it that many of us can’t imagine that it could be fun to do anything but have an external stimulus that simulates something else that we’ve never really experienced and never will. From entertainment — the tackiest boardwalk or sideshow to the high-end Disney facade that is Epcot/Disney World, etc.; to our day to day lives — rushing to fill our time so that we produce ever more, earn ever more, acquire ever more; to our routine leisure time — going to movies where we sit next to, but don’t talk to, each other; shoveling down ridiculous amounts of food before rushing to the next appointment (instead of making the time to enjoy preparing the meal, then making the meal about engaging with each other rather than eating), and on and on it goes.

I’ve been as guilty as anyone of all these things. When my kids were growing up, I was so busy acquiring degrees and working I often didn’t take the time to just be with them. Listen to them. Play with them. But it’s never too late to have a happy childhood, as the saying goes. My youngest child is a young adult, and before long, he’ll be off on his own path, living his own life, so in the past few months, I’ve made a conscious decision to put into practice what I preach. We’ve had a grand time planning and putting in an incredible garden. I’ve made sure to thank him a lot, tell him I love him a lot. I’m not “cured” of the busy-bug by a long shot, but I think I’m improving. It’s easier to notice when I’m rushing around worrying I’ll never get it all done to stop and listen to what he needs, usually just a listening ear. We take long car trips and have discovered the joy of just wandering quietly through an antique store.

Engaged attention - it’s what we all need from each other. Without it, we can’t have marriages, or friendships or communities because we can’t really be intimate with anyone unless we are willing to give up ourselves — our time, our need to do more and be more and buy more — for the folks right around us, right now.

Most important, without it, our children starve and suffer and long for it. And they grow up and do what we did to them. However, if you want to turn it around, you can. Anytime. Just stop what you are doing for just a minute. Look at your child. Listen to what he or she is saying by turning off what you want to say next. Take a deep breath before you fly off the handle and think, really think, about why you’re mad at your kid. Is it about you? Or is it because you care about what they learn or want them to be safe? Make it a point to turn off the TV and take a walk down the street. Gradually replace screen time with together time. Show your kids what it’s like to be with someone without any plans, any expectations, any external stimulus at all except one another’s company.

If we slow down just a little bit, and gradually start practicing in small ways the skill of engaged attention, who knows, maybe eventually, the carney shows will just disappear and the tree museums will be getting all of our spare change. Perhaps.

I’ve been reading a lot about quantum physics in the past year or so. I don’t have the math to understand the mechanics of how it all works, but I understand the theory. The most important thing I learned is this: the most authentic human experiences can’t be reduced to, or explained with, symbols. And language is a symbol.

The problem with American attitudes about marriage and the family is that we are using the symbol of language to describe the most authentic human experience of all — intimacy. Intimacy between partners and intimacy between parents and children. We have conflated the language symbol we call “marriage,” with the language symbol we call, “family,” and they are NOT the same.

So I’m going to start by talking about one of these language symbols, that of “marriage.”

Here’s the Wikipedia link to what “marriage” means: Marriage Defined.

Take a look at the language symbols in the definition:

(1) A social, religious, spiritual and/or legal union

(2) Kinship

(3) An institution

(4) Interpersonal relationships (usually intimate and sexual) acknowledged by the state, by religious authority, or both.

(5) A contract.

(6) The legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution, in accordance with marriage laws of the jurisdiction.

(7) A union between one man and one woman as husband and wife

(8) Same-sex marriage, uniting people of the same sex.

(9) A normative or legal obligation between the individuals involved and . . . their extended families.

Notice any inconsistencies? Can you find much that actually links these language symbols to an experience with which we can all identify? I can’t!

So the first part of the problem is that we Americans are all in our heads and we define our most essential human experience in terms of a definition that not even two people, let alone a whole culture, can agree on.

Then we get to the issue of authenticity.

Experts have found that one of the biggest problems with what they have called “fragile families” is that the parents (often unmarried) haven’t ever really seen what a viable marriage looks like.

I have.

I am hesitant to use my own parents as models as some kind of perfect example, but the fact is, their very imperfection has given me the picture of what marriage ought to be.

On my 10th birthday, my parents took me to a 5 & Dime Store (yes, I really AM that old!!) to pick out a present. In the store, they got into an argument. It was a very public, noisy argument. I don’t remember the details, I don’t remember whether or not I got the present we were there to buy, and if we did, I don’t remember what it was. What I do remember is feeling ashamed of my parents for the first time in my life. When we left the store, I remember hoping they would get a divorce.

Fast forward forty years. My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I have to say something. So I do.

The imperfection of my parents was the most important thing they gave me. I’ve been watching them. Two more different people you could not imagine. Every day, they get up in the morning and the single, most-important thing to each of them is trying to find out one thing they can do in that day to make the other person happy. They go to a flea market and my dad buys a trinket he thinks my mom will like. They go to an antiques store and my mom buys a piece of sheet music she thinks my dad will like (even though his constant piano playing makes her absolutely crazy). They get home and exchange gifts and neither one is very impressed with what the other got for him or her, but each of them tells the other how much he or she loves the gift, and they put it on the shelf, along with all the other stuff from all the other days.

At the end of my speech I said, “You’d think, after fifty years, they’d have figured out what it was that made the other person happy. But they haven’t. The miracle is, that every single day, they get up, and they still keep trying to find it. They still have the passion and the drive to figure it out. It isn’t whether they accomplish the goal that makes them amazing. It’s that they’ve never lost the passion. It’s that the passion keeps growing.

They spoiled me. I thought every married couple would be like that. Neither one of my “formal” marriages had anything to do with it, and the authentic experience I did have didn’t meet any of the Wikipedia criteria. But I knew what it was because I’d seen it in action.

My folks showed me something very few Americans get to see. Love. Real love. And partnership. Each partner filling in for the other when the going got tough. Each partner pitching in and doing what needed to be done, when it needed to be done. I still don’t have the language symbols for what marriage means, but I sure have seen it.

I went to visit them over the holiday weekend. There was this touching event that just underscored what marriage really is all about. We were going out to dinner and mom wanted to go to a particular restaurant. Daddy was insistent that we had to call first to see if it was open. I said we didn’t need to worry about it, if it wasn’t open, we’d find another that was. But dad was adamant. He pulled out the Yellow Pages and was frantically leafing through it, trying to find the number to be sure it was open. It was actually getting pretty annoying. And mom was a little annoyed. She started to nag. And I said it wasn’t such a big deal. You know the scene. And dad looked up from the Yellow Pages and said, “But she REALLY wants to go to this place, and I just want to be sure it’s open, so she can go.”

Stack that experience up to the Wikipedia definitions and tell me which one is a marriage, or where you’ll find it, in the symbols of language.

Yesterday, I was listening to NPR and the Diane Rehm Show came on. The featured guest was Andrew Cherlin, a professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University. Professor Cherlin whose new book, “The Marriage-Go-Round,” had just been published (featured in the last post) was discussing the topic of the changing American family. You can hear the full interview by clicking on the podcast here: The Diane Rehm Show.

I tried to get through because: (a) I loved what Professor Cherlin had to say, and (b) I thought I had some valuable insight to add, but after an hour on hold I hung up. I think they were a little offput by the fact that I’m a lawyer and thought I wanted advertising time. I didn’t but their reluctance is understandable. Not too many family law attorneys do what they do because they care deeply about the issues and people that make up their practice.

Then, this morning, I got another e-copy of Glenn Sacks newsletter/blog. I always liked Glenn’s work, until he hooked up with this “Fathers and Families” outfit. Now, he’s moving further and further right and it worries me because I can’t support the Norman Rockwell version of marriage and the family so many of these groups project. At the same time they decry feminism and man-bashing and support the idea that children have a right to a conflict-free relationship with two functional parents, both Mom AND Dad, they promote this ridiculous fantasy of the family which most of us know doesn’t really exist anymore.

See, the problem is, the far right folks are all gung-ho and beat their drum about “preserving marriage,” “protecting the family,” and, lambasting single parents or anyone whose family or relationship doesn’t fit their idea of what marriage and family is.Check out Glenn’s newsletter of today, bemoaning the plight of children of single parents (not all of whom, by the way, are mothers!): Glenn Sacks/Fathers and Families.

Then, you have the far left folks. These are the ones the far right folks love to hate. (By the way, neither camp allows for the continued existence of anyone who even hints that they’re both part-right and part-wrong! More on that later, but the world really IS divided into those who think they are right!) These folks are the sponsors of HB 3395 (see my blog post of February 5, 2009), the alleged “Healthy Fathers and Families Act.” I’ve read the legislation and let me tell you, the only thing about fatherhood it supports is promoting the old “two legs and a wallet” vision of fathers. President Obama made a statement supporting the legislation and not surprisingly, Mr. Sacks and Fathers and Families decried it: Glenn Sacks on HB 3395.

The far left folks give a lot of lip service to non-traditional families, but THEY are the ones who dreamed up HB 3395. Far too many of them include women and men who really are radical, left-wing, man-hating pseudo-feminists who have nothing but scorn for folks who have a more traditional view of the family. Others adopt their ultra-liberal attacks on men and women who don’t fit THEIR left-wing notion of marriage and family because, while they have the best intentions of being on the right side of gender fairness, they either don’t have an internal compass to steer them in their own direction, or haven’t really thought much about what the far-left really believes.

And of course, in both camps, there is the lowest level of ardent supporter, the one who probably wouldn’t recognize an original thought if it came up and . . . well, you get the picture. The one thing those on both the left and the right have in common is that they really have no idea whatsoever of what marriage and family really is.

Which brings me to Professor Cherlin’s new book and the Diane Rehm interview. I don’t ordinarily wax philosophical here on the blog, but the opinions and beliefs I hoped to express yesterday are the bedrock of the work I do in representing fathers, so during the next few weeks, I’ll be posting on those ideas. About what I think about what’s wrong with marriage in America. I’ll address some of the issues raised in Professor Cherlin’s interview and invite your respectful and thoughtful comments.

By the way, check out this link to see the full version of Dr. Cherlin’s speech on families: The Changing American Family

Check out this book and the You Tube clip. There will be more about this topic later today, but my comment on Professor Cherlin’s ideas is just, “Yeah, what HE said!”

The Marriage Go Round

To all my patient readers who have been wondering where I’ve been for the past two months, my apologies for the long absence. I’m still here, but my practice is growing and more and more often, taking me to other parts of Maryland. Look for more posts in the upcoming weeks. For a start, though, here is a link to a terrific resource for you dads out there: Dictionary for Dads.

More soon, and thank you for your patience!

In a recent post I wrote that the way to win a custody trial is to show the court a record of being the parent who offers children what they really need most, engaged attention. This is really the only way to rebut the primary caretaker presumption. It also requires a judge who understands children, and who is willing to consider the evidence carefully.

Recently, a group of fathers asked me to write about what elements go into showing the court that a parent offers children engaged attention. The facts are unique to every case, but there are some common themes.

They include the following:

Respect for self:

o Demonstrates healthy personal boundaries. A good parent shows children how to stand up for him- or herself, but does so firmly and courteously at the same time.

o Models the values he or she claims are important in life. A good parent shows children how to do, not just what to do.

o Is willing to admit it when he or she is wrong or doesn’t know. A good parent shows children how to take responsibility for his or her mistakes and does what is necessary to learn from them, without blaming him- or herself or others unnecessarily.

Respect for others:

o Respects the child as an individual, separate and apart from him- or herself. Children are themselves, not little carbon copies of us. And they are definitely not an extension of us. Good parents value and respect this fact.

o Listens, or dedicates energy and attention to learning to listen. Some people are born with this skill. Others have to learn. Many times, people who are naturally introverted have a hard time hearing what is going on outside their own head, but it isn’t impossible. Here is a link that guides parents in how to develop this skill. Active Listening Skills

Puts children first:

o Willingness to learn and be flexible. This is true no matter what the age of your children. I recall when my youngest child was a freshman in high school. His father and I went to a class on dealing with teens offered by the school. One thing that struck us both was the advice that we should learn to set boundaries based on what really mattered . . . things like safety issues, not the color of his hair, which, at the time, was blue.

o Plays well. Not everyone has this ability. I didn’t. But even those of us with broken “fun-buttons” can develop the skills, if we focus our attention on doing so. Next to watching what we do, our children learn most by playing. A good parent is willing to do it, or learn how to do it.

o Goes out of his or her way to learn what is important to each child, and then makes it a priority to do it. Every child is different and unique. Some children thrive on new places, new faces, new ideas. Some need the security of knowing things are going to be pretty much the same from day to day. Some children are happy to accept the “because I said so,” from a parent, some need some guidance on how to ask “why?” and what to do with the answer. Good parents know their children and tailor their approach to the wonderful diversity of each one.

If you do these things, even if you don’t “win” in court, you’ll win where it counts . . . in the hearts and minds of your children. Maybe you’ll even make the other parent stop and think about how great it would be for your children if you BOTH did the same for them.

I often speak at an organization of parents — both fathers and mothers — who are dedicated to helping engaged fathers protect their relationships with their children. At these meetings I am often asked what I do to “win” a difficult custody case.

The truth is, I don’t do much more than assemble and organize the facts and argue the importance of engaged fathers. In the best cases I’ve had, with the best — no, the ideal, clients — it is really the fathers who do the work, in fact, who have already done the work when they hire me. I just put it all together in a package, and hope the judge who hears the case understands and honors the importance of the quality of a relationship as much as the quantity.

The truth is, fathers are not any more — or less — likely to be “good” parents than are mothers. I’ve chosen to represent them because, too often, the deck really IS stacked against the GOOD fathers in court. Part of that is because the women’s movement has gone far astray and instead of being about equality and respect for individual differences, the pendulum has swung from men to women, but the bottom line is still the same — somebody gets a better shot from the cumbersome mechanism called the courts because of his or her race, or gender or cultural heritage. But that’s not really gender bias, it’s human nature. It’s always easier to be politically correct than to be rigorous about the truth.

But the other part of it is that too many parents in our society are so caught up in their own lives that they can’t step outside of themselves, see life through their children’s eyes, and act accordingly. Nobody ever does that perfectly, but more and more, I see cases where I wish I could say, “Neither one of ya’ll get the kids . . . they’re going to folks who really care.”

Unfortunately, too many cases boil down to a common theme. It goes something like this: “I may be bad, but he’s worse.” “Nuh, uh. SHE is worse.” “Nuh, uh, HE is worse.” If cases like this get to trial, women DO often win more than men. Is that gender bias? Probably, but not by much. It’s a little bit like many presidential elections we’ve known and loved, you have to pick the least harmful alternative, but you know that it’s all a stacked poker game anyway. Close your eyes, pull a card, any card, and hope it doesn’t turn out too badly. I feel for judges that have to make decisions in those cases. No wonder so many would rather drink cyanide than hear and decide a contested custody case.

But there are a minority of cases where Dad really IS better. These guys are my “ideal clients.” They’re not so hard to pick out. They have two outstanding characteristics: (1) the history of their relationship with their kids is characterized by selflessness. They have already established a pattern of putting the kids first, of sacrificing their time, their energy and their lives, to be a critical part of their children’s lives; and (2) they cooperate with me in doing what it takes to prove their history.

Their cases usually have a common problem: the mother is the polar opposite of what they are. Scheming, lying, conniving, manipulative, and most of all, selfish. Most of all, they spout the “best interests” of the children, when what really matters is “me.” I do the best I can to settle these cases. Usually, there’s nothing my clients would like better. But when you’re dealing with the alternate universe in which most of the mothers in these cases live, you just can’t always do that, and they end up in court.

In cases like this, it really IS an uphill battle for Dad, but not only because the system has swung from one side of the politically correct pendulum to the other. More often, it’s because too many fathers beating the fathers’ rights drum are not walking the walk and they’ve spoiled the system for the good guys who are.

In the few cases where I’ve been blessed with an “ideal client,” I’ve been able to “win” (if there is any such thing) the case. And it isn’t much because of what I do, it’s because of what my clients have already done. It’s a privilege and a joy to represent these guys.

So if you really want to “win” a custody case, start the minute you know you’re going to become a father. Start by letting your relationship with that precious, tiny, amazing little human become more important to you than anything else in the world. And keep it up. Through the midnight feedings. The diaper changes. The screaming tantrums. The skinned knees. The tearful dramas with peers. The obstinacy and the affection. Take time to LISTEN. Take time to PLAY. And if the relationship with Mom doesn’t turn out like you hoped it would, and if she’s got too much of herself in the way to care about the kids . . . you’ve got a pretty good chance of “winning” in court, but then, you’ve already won. I just have to show the court how you did it.

When I was growing up, my favorite book was “Jo’s Boys,” by Louisa May Alcott — just shows what a sheltered egghead I was! Kidding aside, it wasn’t really a surprise I liked it so much. I was the oldest of seven kids. My next four siblings were brothers. My parents have taken in over 180 foster children and while I was still at home, a lot of those kids were boys. Now, I have sons of my own, and my heart goes out to them, and their friends. So many of them lack the mentoring and information a young man needs to be in a relationship that is sufficiently functional to support cooperative parenting, and even more lack the modeling needed to be an engaged and responsible father.

This series is to encourage these wonderful young people and the adults around them, and will give them the benefit of my own experience as a sister and a mother. If we women really want men to reject the stereotypes that we claim have limited in the past, we have a responsibility to nurture in them the behavior we’d like to see.

This includes encouraging our partners, spouses and colleagues to get involved, not just with their own sons and grandsons, but with the community. The most powerful way children of any age learn (and this includes those in their teens and twenties) is by example.

The first suggestion I have is to you fathers and grandfathers out there. If you have an experience with your children and grandchildren that includes engaged fathering, or if you made mistakes you’d like to correct with them, mentor a young father. Start community coalitions of similar men, contact local organizations that support fathers, establish relationships with high schools and colleges in your area that teach child development, find out what programs are offered through your school system for teen mothers, and suggest a program for teen fathers as well. Offer your services to be a friend and teacher to young fathers.

For those of you struggling in a custody battle over your own children, this is a priceless opportunity to help someone else set the pattern that will help them avoid the same struggle you are facing. For those of you who are angry and hurt and feel betrayed by the “system,” do more than just strike out, get involved in teaching and guiding the next generation of fathers about what it really means to be a Daddy.

My firm, Maryland Family Law Firm is set to launch a new line of business, “Yes! You CAN Afford It!,” will offer a full range of services to self-represented litigants in Maryland.

Divorce is hard enough to begin with, but the recent economic downturn may make you think twice about filing for divorce. Many of the nation’s top divorce lawyers believe that people delay divorce when economic times are tough.

Of course, the nation’s top divorce lawyers would like to keep things the way they are . . . they WANT to keep getting those pricey retainers. In many places in Maryland, a full-service, litigated divorce can cost a minimum of $20,000.00, often, much more.

But encouraging troubled couples to stay married is an invitation to disaster. When the chips are down, marriage gets harder, not easier. If folks followed the advice of the top divorce lawyers, the risk of increased family violence and abandonment of economically dependent family members increases, not decreases.

One alternative to waiting for things to get better is to try to do your own divorce. In Maryland, the Circuit Courts have clinics for folks who decide to represent themselves. The problem with representing yourself is that these forms are complicated and confusing. The clinics have strict income guidelines. If you are a middle-income, working person, you may not qualify for anything but limited help.

For the Maryland courts, self-represented litigants are an increasing problem. In 2007 in Baltimore City, 85% of family cases filed were self-represented litigants. The trend is increasing as the economic crisis worsens. One of the most important things in filing a lawsuit is to know what to ask for from the court. The next most important thing to know is how to ask for what you need. Without a legal professional to help with these critical first steps in litigation, the result is clogged courts, confused litigants, and frustrated judges and court personnel.

So, what are the options?

• Wait until you can afford it.
• Represent yourself and get help from the Self Help clinics, if you qualify.
• Represent yourself and try to figure out the forms on your own.

OR

Keep a sharp eye on our website. In a very short time, we will have all of the introductory pages there to help us serve families better.