Australia has recently enacted legislation that appears to be a giant step in recognizing fathers as something more than mere DNA. After the Baby M case, nobody asks if a surrogate mother is less than an integral part of a child’s makeup, but very few have asked the same question about sperm donors. Most, if not all sperm donor contracts in the United States reduce the biological father to a number and set of statistics. Australia has elected to recognize these men as crucial to the lives of their children. Check out this touching story on Radio Netherlands’ website: The State We’re In.

In Maryland, couples who are separated have to meet certain statutory criteria to file for a divorce that is based strictly on a period of separation. The criteria are the same whether filing for a divorce based solely on separation (of two years) or divorce based on a mutual and voluntary agreement to separate. These two “grounds,” or legal reasons for divorce, are the two that do not involve fault and the inevitable mudslinging that goes along with it (more about these grounds later).

• First, the couple has to be separated. This does NOT mean sleeping in separate rooms, although recent case law suggests Marylanders may get some help from the court if a spouse is still in the house. Generally speaking, though, it means living under separate roofs. This is often a huge trap for husbands and fathers. Too often, they move out to keep peace, be more comfortable, and be sure the kids can stay in a familiar home while mom and dad work out their divorce. Whatever you do, DO NOT leave until you have seen a lawyer and he or she has the chance to work out the details of your separation with your spouse’s lawyer in a way that protects your interests and those of your kids.

• Second, once separated the couple cannot “resume marital relations.” You know what that means. No lapses. None. Don’t sleep under the same roof, don’t sleep in the same bed, and whatever you do, don’t let her sweet talk you into sex. If you do, the time period has to start all over again. An experienced attorney told me the story of a client whose divorce hearing was arranged for a date just before a huge change in Maryland law that would give the wife significantly more property than the old law. It was very important that the divorce be final before the new law took effect. Just before the divorce, my friend learned that his client had “resumed marital relations.” When he asked his client what had possessed him to do such a thing, given the risks, the client said, “A man has needs.” That, said my friend, was the most expensive lapse he’d ever seen. Don’t let it be yours!

A lot of couples who separate reconcile. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you think there may be hope for your marriage, take the time to get some good marriage counseling before you jump back into bed with your spouse (about six weeks should give you a sense of: (1) if your spouse will follow through with the commitment to marriage counseling, and (2) if the reconciliation is going to work).

• Third, there must be “no reasonable hope or expectation of a reconciliation.” That doesn’t mean there has to be agreement as to who does or does not want the divorce. It does mean that the person seeking the divorce must be very clear that the marriage is over and the spouse must admit the same thing.

If you walk away with only two important points from this post, it is: (1) don’t move out until you have a negotiated “move out” agreement; and (2) don’t fall prey to your spouse’s seduction until AFTER you’ve been through some serious marital counseling.

If it seems as if it’s been a little slow around here in the last week or so . . . it has been! As of March 1, 2008, Maryland Family Law Firm can be found at a new address: 1 Research Court, Rockville, Maryland 20850. The telephone numbers will be the same, but the primary office will have a new location. Moving an office after three years in the same spot is no small task, so my posting has lagged behind a bit, but keep watching, more information is on the way!

Not too many family advocates argue that mothers and children should not have the resources government agencies have provided in the last thirty years. Lots of programs and laws out there for women and children. Families with women and children. Not too many for fathers and children. Maybe it’s time to even the score so that fathers have access to the same benefits. Here are some of the programs and laws designed and written especially for women:

• WIC provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk.WIC

• WCFS is an organization of charitable organizations dedicated to meeting the needs of women, children and families. Women, Children and Family Service Charities

• The National Center for Research Assistance for Women and Families, “promotes the health and safety of women, children, and families, by using objective, research-based information to encourage new, more effective programs and policies. The Center achieves its mission by gathering and analyzing information and translating that information into clearly presented facts and policy implications that are made widely available to the public, the media, and policy makers.” Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)

Okay, how about fathers? . . . . . . Children and fathers . . . . national funding agencies . . . . ????

Some are beginning to include men in their services, but not many: Center for Urban Economic Development: University of Chicago. 1996. Did you catch that date? 1996.

Many communities have centers for women — they help their clients re-enter the workforce, provide seminars on divorce and finances, assist with childcare resources — all funded with local public funding. Responsible Fatherhood Initiative. Take a careful look at what the various states on this site provide. Notice how many are there to be sure dad is a really good wallet on two legs, and how many are putting their dollars into teaching young men to BE good fathers.

What do fathers need? The same thing mothers need. Help with workforce planning, information on economic assistance, resources for childcare, and sometimes, food, milk, cereal and peanut butter for the kids. Fathers deserve the same parenting resources as do mothers. It’s up to us to legislate for change. In some places, the community is beginning to recognize how important it is to give fathers the same kind of resources provided to mothers,

If you are a father facing divorce your most important task right now is to step back and think carefully about what is most important to your children. If you have been the “breadwinner,” and you and your wife have divided the tasks of parenting according to the traditional model, she has stayed home to take care of the kids and you have gone off to make a killing in the corporate or professional jungle. Now, your family is changing. It isn’t ending, it’s becoming a different shape for all of you.

If your kids have been trundling off to preschool, or shuttling in carpools back and forth between private school and an endless round of activity, you need to take a hard look at priorities. So far, you’ve been making it economically possible for the tutors, the dance classes, and the tuition. You may be thinking the best thing for your kids is for them to continue having all that stuff. You may want to think about whether the “stuff” is what your children need most.

What your children need most is to have a mother and a father. If your work has taken you away from home most of the workweek and divorce will mean that you have to move to keep making all the money you’ve been making, so the kids can keep doing things they’ve always done maybe it’s time to think about what they would like to have most. Maybe this is a really good time to find some balance. What would mean most to them, riding lessons or an extra day a week with you? Would they rather go to the Caribbean for three weeks without you or camping for two weeks with you?

And how about you? Have you thought about what that extra $15,000 a year (or $20 or $50) is costing you? The homework session that lasts an extra hour while you and your child sweat out that math problem or figure out how to make the science project come right and the look of joy on your child’s face when he or she solves the problem or puts the finishing touch on the project? How much is that worth to you?

Transitions are a good time to re-evaluate your life. The changing shape of your family is a great opportunity to change your priorities. So step back and take a good, hard look at how to figure out what matters to your child. And then give it to them. The balance you find in your own life, the riches you gain from the depth you add to your relationship with your child, may well be worth many times over the dollars you lose.

There are as many options to resolve conflict in divorce are there are families. Most good family law attorneys use a combination of approaches.

Sometimes, a family doesn’t need any litigation at all. For example, in collaborative law, couples don’t go to court until after all their issues are resolved, and then, only for a short, uncontested hearing. Collaborative law is a structured series of four-way meetings, with specially-trained attorneys and clients who all enter into an enforceable agreement not to litigate. If a client decides that litigation is necessary, both attorneys must be discharged and litigation counsel retained –– and both sets of attorneys must be paid.

Other times, it is necessary to file the lawsuit. Most often, in my practice, I use the litigation tool because the court in my jurisdiction is very well organized Circuit Court for Montgomery County, Maryland: Family Division. Once a case is filed, husband and wife are on a “clock” and if they don’t resolve their case, the court clock will tick away right to trial. This is the “stick” approach I mentioned in an earlier post. Usually, even in cases that go to litigation, I use some other form of conflict resolution to resolve the case.

Here is a thumbnail sketch of each approach:

* Mediation can involve lawyers, clients and a mediator, or simply parties and a mediator. The mediator’s overarching goal is to reach agreement. He or she cannot advise parties or suggest that one or another particular issue is better (or worse) for either party. The benefit of having lawyers involved is that each of the lawyers can advise his or her client as to a client’s legal entitlement. Some lawyers are experimenting with lawyer-assisted mediation, including an agreement between parties and counsel to use mediation for a finite number of sessions before seeking court relief.

* Facilitation is another term used for non-lawyer assisted negotiation. The facilitator may or may not be qualified as a mediator, but serves only to ensure that an agreement is reached.

* Arbitration is like court without the court and can be binding (or controlling) on the parties or not. It is not used as often in family law cases as in other areas of dispute such as commercial litigation. Typically, parties produce documents and use the same type of mechanisms involved in litigation, but the fact finder is not always a judge, and the “proceedings” take place in a neutral location.

Don’t be taken in by a lawyer who has a stock answer for how your case should be resolved. Look for a lawyer who will approach your case as unique, who has experience in the full range of conflict resolution tools and who can use all of them effectively.

The term “ADR” (an acronym for ”Alternative Dispute Resolution,”) means ways to resolve legal issues outside of litigation. In family law there are several ways to end the marriage and resolve conflict. These methods can, and often do, include litigation, which is the “stick” in the conflict resolution process. Litigation is a rough and unconscious approach to resolving disputes and probably the worst option for families, but sadly, one that is sometimes necessary when one party (or his or her attorney) uses “dirty tricks” or dishonesty to obtain results or when there is a power imbalance in the relationship.

“Carrot” methods to resolve family disputes include collaborative law, mediation (which has its own subsets), peer negotiation and facilitation. These methods are based on minimizing or avoiding litigation. They offer the best results for most couples.

Experts in dispute resolution have recently replaced “Alternative Dispute Resolution” with the term, “Appropriate Dispute Resolution.” Appropriate dispute resolution recognizes and honors the fact that no two cases are alike, and a cookie cutter approach to resolving disputes, especially those in families doesn’t always work. Appropriate Dispute Resolution recognizes that sometimes a case needs a stick (litigation) to get things moving, and recognizes that other forms of dispute resolution can later be effective. A lot of lawyers and judges want to do away entirely with one form of dispute resolution or the other, but because families are all different, and all complex, we need to keep the “carrot” options (and expand them as much as possible) as well as the “stick” option for those cases that are harder to resolve.

My colleague in Florida, Christine Bauer, recently published a post on fathers’ rights in her blog Florida Family Law Blog. A reader published a comment that emphasizes the importance of women speaking out in support of the rights of fathers. The need for women and men to speak out, respectfully but firmly, on the need for attention and change in the legal system transcends gender. The thing that helped gain recognition and justice for women in the 60’s and 70’s and African Americans in the Civil Rights movement was that people began to talk openly about the need for change. Women who are mothers, sisters, second wives, friends and lovers of men who struggle to maintain close and loving bonds with their children are adding their voices to the chorus of those seeking fairness and equity for children to both parents after divorce.

After a lot of work by a lot of folks, who are unnamed but not unappreciated, my video intro is up and available. Click on the “Motivation” navigation bar at the top of the screen and check it out!

Domestic violence is a family wound. It affects women. It affects men. Most of all, it affects children. A year and a half ago I published this article in my state legal daily: SilentSuffering: Men as Victims of Domestic Violence.

It’s time for everyone to stand up and say, ,”No more!” To the men who drag women around by the hair or the women who slowly poison.