“A wallet on two legs.” That’s what a lawyer I work with said a lot of people in the legal system think of fathers. How do you avoid that stereotype, especially when you are trying to keep custody of your kids and save your relationship with them during a divorce?

The best way I know is not to act like one, before, during or after divorce.

But you can’t do it alone. You need help. You need a model. You need a mentor. Sadly, there hasn’t been much help available. Most American men had a father who went to work on Monday morning, and came back on Friday night. If you were lucky, your dad was home a few nights a week (if he didn’t work overtime or travel). Weekends, your dad probably spent a lot of time catching up on household chores. If you were lucky, dad went to games, or scouts or church events, but it was probably your mom who took you places, made sure you saw the doctor, arranged for a babysitter if you needed one, and if she worked, it was mom who came home if you were sick.

If that is what you saw growing up, it is not the way to stay close to your kids now. Your priority needs to be your kids and their lives. Make sure you know who their doctors and teachers are. Make sure the people who care for your kids contact you, as well as mom, if the kids need you. Make it a point to let your employer know that your kids are more important to you than anything. Most of all, if you need help or advice or mentoring, ask for it.

More and more often, men are demanding that they be taken seriously as fathers. Organizations are springing up to give fathers hands-on help in how to be involved fathers. One such organization is, “My Child Says Daddy,” an organization in southern California dedicated to raising awareness of the importance of fathers in the lives of children. You can visit their website at: My Child Says Daddy.

Look around your area. Help may be much closer than you think.