Most of us who practice family law believe that it should be as time-consuming and expensive to get married, as it is now to get divorced; and as quick and easy to get divorced, as it now is to get married. This is the first in a series of posts about what you can do to avoid getting burned a second, or third, of fourth time. Hey, it’s never too late to learn!

There’s this great song by a great American musician, Keb Mo, called “The Itch.” The lyrics, written as a tongue-in-cheek prayer, apply to anyone who’s been burned by what they thought was love and marriage. The refrain says, “Don’t let me do the same !#@% thing all over again.”

Problem is, most of us (yes, that does include lawyers . . . and doctors . . . and Indian Chiefs . . . and older, as well as younger, people . . . and it includes those who have done it once, twice, or three times) do the same !#@% thing all over again . . . and again . . . and again.

This human tendency to repeat error is especially poignant when it involves fathers who have actually won custody of their children, after great struggle. I’ve seen it over and over again. Here’s the story line: father is married to a less-than-ideal mother; divorce ensues; father fights like crazy and wins custody of the kids; father struggles as a single parent, gives up time, gives up the opportunity for much of anything for himself, and after a few years is wiped out; enter a new woman; father, being exhausted and feeling like it’s time he got a little happiness in his own life, is swept away and in a very short time, marries the new woman; problems ensue. Sometimes, the problems come from the ex-wife. Sometimes, the problems come from the new wife. Sometimes the problems come from the kids, who have found a new reason to get one over on poor old dad. But wherever they come from, they could have been avoided by one simple word. Pause.

That’s right, pause. Just stop. And then stop again. And take your time. Lots and lots of time. You DO deserve some happiness for yourself. Especially if you’ve sacrificed a lot for your kids. But you deserve lasting happiness, not temporary happiness. And the best way to be sure you get it in a new relationship is to take plenty of time before diving into a new relationship.

Start out by living your life for yourself. Find things that interest you, and pursue them, not finding a new mate.

Develop friends. This takes time. If you’re living your life for yourself, exploring things that enhance your mental, emotional and physical well-being, you’ll meet people that have the same goals. Get to know them. Gradually. Very gradually. Don’t get sucked into the trap of thinking that you need someone else in your life to fill a role or a slot. Everything you need is already here. Develop friends who have the same philosophy.

When you move beyond friendship into what feels like romance and attraction, do the same thing. Pause. Take time. Lots of time.

Patience is the first step in avoiding the mud puddle of the Same !#@% Thing. Practice it.